I'll probably regret this post, but what the heck.

For starters, I have a therapist. 

But that's not the part I'm going to feel bad about posting. I mean come on, who of this generation DOESN'T have a therapist at some point or another? I started seeing her years ago when I was working through some stuff, and I still see her a few times a year just to get my bearings. It's priceless to run things by an objective third party sometimes. 

So here's what makes me feel like a terrible person. I went to see her today, for the first time since November. And my bump-suspicions from back then were confirmed: she's now visibly pregnant... and I'm MAD AT HER for it. 

Yes. I said it. The most selfish and anti-feminist thought that could possibly have popped into my head.

Now I can't talk to her about my own disgust with and terror of the idea of eventual motherhood, which is a topic I bring up often. I can't talk to her about my distress over a lack of close female friends, which is another perennial topic of discussion. Of course she wouldn't mind if I did, but I would feel awkward. Sure she held her clipboard in front of her beautiful little buddha belly for the whole hour, but its presence was still there and known. No matter how professional she is in her demeanor, it's now an elephant in the room. She's a mom. She's a woman. She's no longer the objective third party my insurance company is paying her to be.   

And seriously, do I really want to talk to her about ANY of my problems now that her innocent little fetus has sprouted ears? The simple fact that I had to start seeing a therapist in the first place is proof enough of the damage done to a kid when she became too aware of adult problems too young. 

I totally understand that it's her right to reproduce as she wishes. She's probably a good mom and the little thing will probably be cute and bring joy to the world and all that stuff when it's born.  I took women's studies classes in college (thought about it as a major, actually), and have read extensively on my own about what past generations of women went through to gain the same rights as men in the workplace (still workin' on wage equality, though). But honestly? If I'd have known when I established our client-clinician relationship that she was going to have more kids, I might have sought out someone else. Ouch.

Wow. There you have it. The worst thought I have ever "voiced". Sorry I had to tell all of you about it, but what can I say... I couldn't exactly save it for my quarterly therapist appointment like I usually do with things I deem "unfit to post". ;) 

I'm going to go stick my foot (typing fingers?) in my mouth now. 

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